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I`m still mad that video killed the radio star.
I wish I had Shazam for faces...
What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer, & a pregnant girl have in common? In each scenario, there`s a dumb guy who didn`t take it out in time.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
If you come to myspace and twitter about my yahoo, can I google over your facebook?
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
You heard me right. I said:"Lets agree to disagree." It`s much more polite than:"Whatever, bitch."
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like `Stabbyrabbit` or `Weaponrat`
I have never met a woman without wondering what her box of cookie recipes looks like.
My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket
What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true.
One of these days I’ll realize that leaning forward in my car while accelerating does not make it go any faster.
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!!!!
Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia? ...Well, tough sh!t, I forgot it.