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Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
My home security system is a series of paintings with the eyes cut out.
I only accept apologies in cash.
If by O.P.P. you mean Other People’s Pancakes, then yes I’m down with O.P.P.
I maybe wrong but I doubt it.
Love is a two way street but you have to be careful because women can’t drive.
Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two.
Whoever said "sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you" has obviously never been hit with a dictionary.
Finally realizing that Hotel California is about Facebook. “…you can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave…”
Trust me , as you get to know me , i just get weirder.
I’ve learned to use meditation to handle stress. Just kidding, I’m on my third glass of wine.
Time to get Star Spangled hammered. Happy 4th you crazy Americans.
You`re never too old to ride in a radio flyer wagon but apparently you can be too fat.
I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.