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When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
You know you`re getting older when your friends start using the term "Pregnant" instead of "Knocked Up"
common sense is like deodrant. the people who need it thr most never use it.
WARNING. Content on my Facebook page may offend. But I don`t f*cking care
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
"I can`t wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
"2 weeks with my baby xoxoxo" lol,calm down romeo&juliet.
Wouldn`t it be ironical to die in a living room?
MAY` contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn`t. DON`T WASTE MY TIME
Start each day with a positive thought like, "I can go back to bed in about 17 short hours."
Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is completely acceptable
You think you love your family but suddenly there`s three of you and one remaining slice of pizza.
Firemen must dread the moment when they`re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
You know it`s cold outside... when you step on dog poop and roll your ankle