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Was the little pig who decided to built his house out of straw some sort of f***ing idiot?
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
Sometimes I wish I was full of pizza instead of emotions.
I order all my food with extra gluten.
My brain is giving me the silent treatment today.
Music that is meant to be played at a reasonable volume is completely pointless.
Ya know u would never know u where happy if u never had bad memory.
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he`s not in?
Don`t worry, some people are their own punishment in life.
I hate when I walk into the kitchen for food and only find ingredients.
Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade`s gonna suck!
Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please, take them off.
What`s Forrest Gump`s password? 1forest1