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I swear Mosquitos have a chart of the human body they study before they leave their nest...They seem to always bite on the worst possible places.. It`s like they huddle up and make a plan: "Ok Sally, you take the toe knuckles.. Betty, you get the crack behind the knee, Mary, you take the ankles, and I`ll take the finger knuckles..Ready? Break!"
I`m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Did you know that if you put a finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Pacman.
My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
You would never know I had a college degree if you saw how many times I tried to push when it says pull.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
To the makers of rice cakes; thanks for nothing!
“Can we talk tomorrow?” is my way of saying “I’ll try to do a better job of avoiding you tomorrow?”
I`m bored, I think I`ll ask my boyfriend if I look fat. - women
is a reasonably intelligent person who does moderately stupid things on a semi-regular basis.
When I first went on the pill, I put on some weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
I just saw a 3D printer at the UPS store. It`s kind of cool, but I won`t be impressed until it can print snacks...
Taxes are like a subscription to your country that you can`t cancel, no matter how bad the service gets.
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?