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A new study has found that women with larger butts live longer than men who mention it.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
im like the government: i spend money on things that aren`t important, and spend most of my time trying to explain to people why i need them.
Facebook is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Worrying is a waste of time. It doesn’t change anything. It messes with your mind & steals your happiness.
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.
I`ve found a new coping mechanism....................COOKIES!
If I owned a copy shop, I’d only hire identical twins to work there.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Best part of living alone...clothing optional ;)
I wish college was 5 easy payments of $19.99
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Clearly if you have to blame yourself, you`re not hanging out with enough people.