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Where do suicide bombers go when they die? Everywhere.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.
If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it`s technically a cat
Sometimes I`ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I`ll be like, "oh no, that can`t be right."
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
I`m only 30 lbs away from my New Year`s resolution to lose 20 lbs!!
Each day is a gift, but some days are socks and underwear
Girls with tattoos on your tits, Why? We`re already looking at them.
I have problems cleaning my house because I get distracted by all the fun things I find.
I think I really have an amazing butt, every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say,"what an a$$.."
That awkward moment when you take a bath in the middle of the day and don`t know whether to wear normal clothes or pajamas.
Struggling to get your wife`s attention?.....just sit down and look comfortable.
I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.