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Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
I hate girls who insert the phrase "my boyfriend" into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.
if you want me to go running with you, I´m going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren’t there Starbucks pumpkin spice latte trucks in the winter?
The only thing I understand about Algebra: I look at my X and I wonder Y
Married people always ask when you’re getting married like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
Why am I always right but people still ignore me...?
Well after 6 months of my girlfriend nagging, I finally did it, I lost 120lbs ... I`m sure gonna miss her.
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket
Where do all the ice cream men go in winter?
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I´m typing this with my middle finger.
Buying your wife a gun is like saying. "You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise."