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Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best-looking guy in the world, but,....Oh,hell. Now I`m depressed.
Take your age. Subtract 3. Then add 3. That is your age.
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
You`re probably wondering how I post so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those ... Wait ... Two. I have 2 kids.
Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your d!ck grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!
Vegetarian is an old Native American word for bad hunter.
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I`m 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.
I`ve upped my driving skills, no go Up yours!
once you delete your birthday from Facebook, you realize no-one ever gave a sh!t about you all along!
A police officer just knocked on my door to tell me my dogs were chasing kids down the road on bikes.. Umm.. My dogs don`t even own bikes?