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Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
I’m having some vision trouble today. I can’t see myself doing anything.
Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it.
Spicy food is like BDSM for your mouth
It`s never too late to follow your dreams. Unless your dream is to be a child actor, in which case yes, it`s too late.
A sign on the wall of the drug store said, "Ask the pharmacist if you have questions." How would the pharmacist know if I have questions?
I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
I´m on a whisky diet. I´ve lost three days already!
Why would anybody put 99 bottles of beer up on a wall in the first place?
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.
If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be "bad at following directions."
Bananas are the strippers of the fruit world.
Is there really a need for constipation medicines and stool softeners in a world where burritos and tacos exist?