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A true man is one who leaves his wife alone in cold weather and goes to watch football.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I`m like, "Nope. I`m good."
If I gave you a penny for your thoughts I`d totally be expecting some change back.
This "NORMAL" you speak of, doesn`t sound fun at all.
I`m just a guy standing in front of a huge pile of laundry wondering how flammable it is.
Not to get technical… but according to chemistry alcohol is a solution.
Do feminists look under their beds for the boogie woman?
Did you know you can buy live lobsters? Anyway, can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters.
People would believe everything I say.. if it wasn`t for everything I say.
I don`t know exactly who`s health I`m drinking to, but they`re going to be immortal at this rate
Some people say I`m a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again you`re fired"
The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.
“Have you tried just eating a ton of pizza?”- me as a therapist
I Don`t Care If you Don`t Like Me .. Iam Not A Facebook Status :D