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If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it`s working.
Silence is Golden, except when coming from children… Then you’d better go check to see what’s broken.
Oops is farting in the elevator and thinking it would be silent.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Be good to your nieces and nephews. One day you`ll need them to smuggle alcohol into your nursing home.
Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that.
Please just put it in the fridge.... We`ll throw it away next week.
My neighbor`s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Male camel toe? Dude that`s just nuts.
Girls, dont read this please: Hey guys, isn`t it funny how our wives/or girlfirends really think that we care what they did that day? lol.....it never gets old.
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
Do you women realize how silly you all look with your clothes on?
Its so hot I used my blow dryer as a cooling fan!
If anyone knows Phillip tell him I have a bunch of his screwdrivers.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.