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My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
Easy baked macaroni and cheese recipe: Boil macaroni in water.... follow the rest of the instructions on box. TADA!
You guys ever trip out on the fact that Indian people eat Indian food for breakfast?
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
It`s not a mental breakdown if the police wasn`t called.
I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
I saw a lady with twins babies. One had a shirt that said ‘Copy’ the other ‘Paste’. That made my day.
I hear boomerangs are making a comeback.
It`s really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches...
I´m really bored but too lazy to do anything about it.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.
When I say "Have a nice day." Remember the f*cker on the end is silent.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!...Use your teeth!