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More food should come with prizes inside it.
the kids next door challenged me to a water fight. I`m just updating my status while the kettle boils
I need new swear words.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out?
Sometimes I go on Google Earth and just spin the sh!t out of the world & pretend I`m making everyone really dizzy.
I don`t normally poop with the door open, but I don`t want to miss the in flight movie
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you`ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
If tit for tat doesn`t mean flashing guys with tattoos, than I`ve been doing it wrong this whole time.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
If cats could talk, they`d probably always be correcting your grammar.
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
Don’t believe everything you think.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.
Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow`s ass
I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.