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More food should come with prizes inside it.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Everytime I see “ROFL”… I think of Scooby Doo trying to say “waffle”.
I hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
It`s a good thing farting isn`t as contagious as yawning.
It`s never too late to follow your dreams. Unless your dream is to be a child actor, in which case yes, it`s too late.
I`m hearing voices again. Probably because my window is open and there are people outside talking, but still.
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house...
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called “Identity Theft”.
Somebody told me I`m horrible with names.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they`re going to be talking.
Wanna have a little fun? Post "Anyone know a good lawyer?" Then sit back and watch the speculation run wild!
If you`re going to stalk me at least notice when I`m running low on toilet paper & change the roll.