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Today has me seriously evaluating my policy of not drinking on the job.
I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.
is trying to decide ... laundry today or naked tomorrow
Why is it that most nudists are people you don`t want to see naked?
Under no circumstances shall a call be made to another male after 2 a.m., unless its to get bailed out of jail.
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
So far my only real accomplishment in life has been not having kids.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Thanksgiving: "Let`s give thanks for the stuff we have." Black Friday: "Ok, let`s get all new stuff."
Seeking one night stand. I might need two though, I do have a lot of books.
thjeo oskl asopa joa sajksla wioj apska shul bhcgy ....Yes I just wasted your time ;)
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!
Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can`t help but stop and think, "Yup, I`m about to get my first assault charge."
Drank way too much beer last night. Didn`t leave any for this morning.