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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
I may love you...but everyone else thinks you suck! I was kidding... I think you suck too.
They should make a medal for anyone who uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.
After listening to what some people have to say, I am rethinking the importance this whole freedom of speech thing.
My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I`m sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Someone told me once that to have more confidence during sex, put in a live concert album while doing it. That way, you will hear applause every 3-4 minutes but I did it wrong. Accidentally put in a live concert album and all I heard was laughter!
Putting a light in the refrigerator is God`s way of telling us that it`s okay to eat before going to bed.
I have hit the age where sex and choosing the exact right size Tupperware for leftovers are equally satisfying...
You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it `guy who’s getting laid.’
I’m not a “stalker”. I want to make sure you’re okay at all times. You can look at me as an unpaid bodyguard.
When my dog sniffs another dog’s poop I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.
I wish real life had as many ejection seats as cartoons.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.