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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
I wish the media and politicians would stop jumping to delusions.
Facebook Stalker! If you just felt a sudden twinge of guilt then yes I`m talking about you.
Dude, I can`t post AND know when the light turns green. I`m pretty, not magical.
I`m pretty sure country music singers are all just the same guy wearing different hats.
If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
Sometimes my kid likes me, but I`m pretty sure it`s only because I`m his Oreo dealer.
Alcohol makes me worse at everything except telling secrets
Sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that
You fake your smile daily, then judge people for getting a fake tan.
Offering a hobo $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.
Never laugh at your wife`s choices. You are one of them :)