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"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree.
Do you ever get that feeling that you are being watched? Because if it is bothering you, I can stop.
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything?
I don’t like being told what to do unless I’m naked.
So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing.
It would be cool if you heard a thunder bug a few seconds after you saw a lightning bug.
Sad Fact- Boobie traps seldom involve boobies.
Good things come to those who wait ... Which explains why I`m always late.
I spend 800% of my life exaggerating.
People with kids, your posts are all the birth control I need.
If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.
I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked.
You´re never too old to learn something stupid.
You should never answer your phone during sex, particularly if it`s your wife calling.
My 5 year plan includes purchasing a Slurpee machine.