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I swear I just go to the strip club for the music.
I talked to my mom, and she said she probably hadn`t had sex with any of you guys. Damn dirty liars.
Sorry that most of my hilarious jokes are borderline inappropriate. And by sorry, I mean you`re welcome.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend.
Job interview: Please tell us why you’d love to work for us? ME: I need money :)
Remember, pretty much all of the “tough guys” you see on TV and movies were theater majors in college.
Love is a two way street but you have to be careful because women can’t drive.
Why even ask how my weekend was if you’re just going to interrupt me halfway through to say “Yeah, I saw your Facebook post.”
Trying to achieve the perfect erection. How hard could it be?
Some parts of the world use Facebook to overthrow evil dictators. Me? I just want you all to know how delicious my sandwich is.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.
I can`t believe that it`s the year 2012, and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
"Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook... yes, I`ll hold."
Has anyone else ever noticed that the word therapist spells, "the rapist," when split into 2 words?