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Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. You choose your own adventure.
Life is too short to be kissing the wrong a$$.
Meal prepping is basically eating a week`s worth of leftovers from a meal that never happened.
if you wake up at 3am and scream bloody mary three times in the mirror, your mom will tell you to shut up and go to bed
If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over?” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you” is a bad answer, apparently
I only like clicky pens when I am the clicker.
When people say things like "You can`t change the past" I can`t help but wonder what it must be like to have that brilliant of a mind.
My goal this weekend is to move just enough each day so that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead
YOU KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!!
I`m kind of like Hugh Hefner. Only without the mansion, the exotic cars, the girls, the magazine and the money. Basically, I`m just a guy in a bathrobe.
If I laugh randomly when you are talking to me, don`t worry, the voices are telling me jokes.
Today I have been sober for 100 days. Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
You know that look women get when they want sex ? ..........me neither.
Alright, I give up! I`ve listened to the song like 50 times now, and I still don`t know what the fox is saying!