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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.
What happened to all the Sour Patch parents?
My friend told me he wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don`t think he`d be a good secret agent.
figured out today that my GPS has auto-correct....I put in "Beach house" and ended up in my ex`s driveway.
If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine.
I could of sworn my pillow`s a hairdreeser...coz I always wake up with the craziest hairstyles!! :D
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me ... I live in a city.
Marriage counseling - because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they are being an a$$
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they`re going to be when you kill them.
Maybe the government just needs to control/alt/delete and then restart in safe mode.
You can tell a lot about a person by putting a hidden camera in their bedroom.
Girls these days be like `I wanna get the Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet`N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice tan look`
Million Dollar Idea: A restaurant that offers Coke and Pepsi....