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"I`m on my way." -People who haven`t even left the house yet.
I`m confused, oh wait, maybe I`m not.
I believe in looking out for number one. Especially if the dog is not house trained.
The best things in life require no pants.
I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting
when is humpty dumpty going to hatch?
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
I hope your day is as nice as your butt.
"I wish people would start doing ice bucket challenges again" - said no one ever!
did you notice when you yell "yo ugly" about 10 people turn around
It`s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most.
Someday, the time I waste deciding what to watch on Netflix will be shorter than the actual time watching it
It is amazing how quickly kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, dishwasher, or vacuum cleaner.
Few people have the balls to admit when they`re wrong. Then again, few people have talking balls.
When I die, I’d like someone to keep updating my Facebook status, just to freak people out… “Hey, who knew they had Wi-Fi up here?”