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It`s called "Biscotti" because nobody would buy "chocolate covered croutons".
I can’t wait until I get that job at Starbucks because I’m going to spell everyone’s name wrong so they can’t instagram their cups.
I should`ve married myself. I`ve never said no to sex. Not once. Not one single time ever.
At least thirty percent of my workout is spent picking a different song.
Its all sh!ts and giggles until someone giggles and sh!ts
My phone is covered in cupcake frosting and dried ice cream, in case you were wondering how my life is going.
Chinese scientists have discovered the rare rock n roll panda it will only eat A wop bop a loo lop a wop Bamboo
It´s not that I hate you, it´s just.. well I´ll put it this way.. if you were on fire & I had water, I´d drink it.
What ? Who ? Exactly my point. Now move along and go read something else. Nosey !!
What`s Forrest Gump`s password? 1forest1
The reason swans mate for life is because they don`t talk.
I`ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
The early bird gets the worm! So does the late bird. They all get worms all the time; there`s tons of those things. Relax, there will always be a lota worms......
I just wanna be the reason your doctor puts you on a new medication.