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"Ho, Ho, Ho!" -Santa Claus/Pimp, doing a head count.
Any question is a hard hitting question when it`s written on a brick and thrown full force at your face.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I`m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Lazy fact #128540162, You were too lazy to read that number.
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?
I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.
I think when a restaurant has "lobster celebration" it is very misleading to the lobster.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
An ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like a kidnapper asking to stay in touch after they let you go.
Which one of you is Moderation? I keep getting told we need to drink together.
I’m glad you spent $80 on makeup to look like a $5 whore. Well done
All I`m saying is that Schwarzenegger isn`t the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.
I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on for awhile.