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Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called “fun sized” should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
If doing things was as easy as thinking about doing things I’d get a lot more done.
i dont normally have a cool facebook status, but when i do, an older relative spoils it with a lame comment.
Anything is possible when you have no clue what you`re talking about
Coffee : Starter fluid for the morning impaired.
When I hear someone say, "chicken pot pie," I get excited three times.
Life Tip: Tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry, they will clean it for free!
Don`t worry about the grass on the other side. It`s not your grass.
Going to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me with that needle, I run off yelling `thanks for the free shave loser!`
Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate.
I believe in the silver rule of life: Do unto others then run!
If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit end call, we would all have no friends.
People always ask me, where do I come up with my status`, do I make them up, or do I get them from the internet.. Truth is people. I use Status Enhancing Drugs.
Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.