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While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald`s stops serving breakfast.
I was pretty sure that at this point in my career I would have henchmen by now!
Radio Shack has stayed in business with a name combining something no one buys anymore and a type of building no one wants to go into.
All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
The most common crossfit injury is a black eye from talking about it too much.
I need new swear words.
Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn`t cute.
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
is bored of being bored because being bored is boring.
Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.
I thought there`d be more sex during my sexual prime.
Hey Pringles, it`s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn`t exactly thin-wristed.
I`m going to hire two private detectives to follow each other .
President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.