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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
Black Friday is the second closest thing to a zombie apocalypse except they want sales instead of brains.
Sorry, kids. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.
Rum balls, rum cake, rum spiked eggnog, rum in fruitcakes...you know, anymore, there`s more of the Captain than of Christ in Christmas...
I don`t know, guys. The whole "play dead when a bear attacks" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with...
If you think your having a bad day ... You could be digging your own grave at gun point and find buried treasure.
Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.
Do you have to water a Pointsettia or do they die on their own?
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch
Lightning is like God`s way of saying "Get out of that tree you pervert!"
Divorce... The most common home improvement project.
Wouldn`t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 mins and come out wrinkle free and 2 sizes smaller...
My flock of sheep were stolen from my farm last month. I`ve not been able to sleep since.
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because it happened. -Me, to my empty pizza box