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Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
Attention fuels immaturity
I`d feel totally comfortable dating a zombie because I`d know she loved me for my brains and not just my body.
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know...Oreos.
My business card is just a label I peeled off a beer bottle.
If I had a dollar for everytime i thought of you, I would start thinking about you!
The only person whom a woman listens carefully & follows sincerely & does exactly as he says is a photographer
Think about what last call would look like if Walmart had a bar
The first rule of the OCD Club is to have a second rule so there is an even number of rules.
Apparently members of the Westboro Baptist Church were outside a theater when the marquee gave way and came crashing down injuring several of them amidst their protest. Witnesses overhead many of the members muttering to themselves, "It must be a sign."
Dear person reading this, just want you to know that someone cares about you. It`s not me, but I`m sure someone does...
I`m sexy and I know it really is....... your slutty and you blow it.
You know you had an interesting day when your Google search history includes "rubber panda".
I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.
I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.