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I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer.
So a year ago today I asked a really beautiful friend out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I`ve ever made.
I couldn`t find the word `Disappear` in the dictionary. Strange!
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
Mom: You haven`t moved since I left 5 hours ago? Me: Excuse me, where do you think these chips came from!!???
What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I`ll never hear the end of it.
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Sorry I missed your call. I took too long to answer because I was dancing to the ringtone.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Apparently I misunderstood it when I was told to "expose yourself to other cultures."
Cops never say “thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed”. It’s just plain selfish.
I can`t wait to miss the upcoming season of American Idol.
Today I´m going to entertain the kids with a game of duct, duct, tape.