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At long last, I`ve finished my research into the effect alcohol has on physical movement.....The results were, quite frankly, staggering.
I`ve polished the mirror in the bathroom so much, you can see your face in it.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats! Many of you are about to be grandparents!
It`s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
I hate it when I think I`m buying ORGANIC vegetables but when I get home I discover they`re just REGULAR donuts...
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I`m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
Didn`t win the lotto again ... send prayers.
This police sketch artist has no idea that he`s about to draw me as the most bad ass Batman caricature ever.
? Taken ? Single ? So sexy that they’re all scared to go out with me.
Everything is legal when the cops aren`t around.
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up...
I never run with scissors…those last two words were unnecessary.
These Jehovah`s Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.
Home is where the pants aren’t.
"Oh my god, you`ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?" - my mom