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To understand paranoid people better, follow them around
If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
Relatives - Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too.
This day needs more tomfoolery!
I am not bossy, I just know how to do things the right way.
May the bridges I burn light the way.
I drink because people talk.
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven`t left your couch since 2011.
Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.
It seems like the āLā in my luck has been replaced with an āFā.
If the shoe fits, buy it.
People who enjoy life, rarely have a flat stomach.
You know you`re a mom when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
It must be exhausting being offended by everything.