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Sarcasm: because snapping a neck is frowned upon in a court of law.
What is it about paper towels that makes me always want to use more than one?
I would like to say to all my 500+ facebook friends, that i love each and every one of you..except you number 371..your a real a@@hole!!
Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
Yes I admit I am a freak. Now, grab some whip cream, some feathers, handcuffs, blindfold, a whip and follow me into the kitchen.
Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not poop your pants.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
When someone calls you a bitch just say a bitch is a dog, a dog barks, bark is on trees, trees are nature and nature is beautiful. thanks for the compliment ;)
I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.
I noticed you’re not yourself today. I really like it.
Ain`t no sunshine when she`s gone..... or sandwiches.... Ain`t no sandwiches either.
I may be asking too much of this coffee.