Daily Silly Status

Any perfume that claims it will help you seduce a man is lying if it doesn’t smell like a pizza.

Don`t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.

My RSVP : I`ll be attending your wedding alone but consuming enough cake and alcohol for at least two.

Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.

Pretty proud of myself, I got a lot of procrastinating done today

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it`s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

That moment when you wake up at 2 o`clock a.m and remember how crappy that after earth movie was and you go back to sleep immediately

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.

I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.

Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.

I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?

If you try to fail but you succeed which have you done?

When I was a kid “The Server Is Down” meant your waiter was depressed.

If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don`t love anything.