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I just got gas for $1.79... Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
Don`t run with scissors -- unless you`re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
Saw a chameleon today. So I guess it`s safe to say it was a pretty sh!tty chameleon.
If I were invisible I`d go beat up a street mime...the applause he would get would be incredible
How to live a happy life: 1)Do whatever you want 2)Don`t worry 3)Eat whatever you want 4)Don`t take advice from strangers on the internet
When you’re old, my kids will be in charge. I’m so, so sorry.
Life would be so much more interesting if we all had cartoon bubbles over our heads.
Got tasered at speed dating again.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
Some people just bring out the psycho in me
When your kids become teenagers, it`s important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.
Your screenshots of text message conversations tell me: 1. you have a great sense of humor 2. to never trust you
I google myself sometimes just to know what the hell I`m up to. ;)
Scientists are saying that social media is making us less accepting and more aggressive. Whatever, a$$holes!
If one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted.