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Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old`s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
Married 24 years now. All I recall about my wedding day is something about death.
Advantage #46 of being single. I have entire closets that are completely empty.
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
I love you more than I hate everyone else.
whoever snuck the `s` in fast food is a clever person
I can’t believe it’s 2012 and there is still no fold button on my dryer.
Stretch pants are like Wonder Bras for your butt cheeks
Why are we still testing on animals when there are pedophiles in prison.
Some days your the duck. Some days your the goose.
im so hungry, im farting fresh air
I`m 84% less productive in a swivel chair.
The only way I`ll ever run a marathon is if I set up the booths and hand out tags.
One thing the porn industry has taught me is that this summer I defiantly need to get a job as a poolboy.