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I wish I could feel as happy as an adult, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the TV during class
There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we`re like "that`s a soup ladle".
You guys are even more beautiful now that I`m wearing my "wine glasses".
Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again.
Currently helping my son look for his chocolate that I ate last night.
How do we know that all the ancient Greek sculptures aren`t just victims of Medusa?
Announcement: .. the Time Travelers Meeting scheduled for today will be held last Thursday
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
if your looking for love sorry to disappoint you im already in a relationship with fun and freedom. :-)
Everyone`s self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.
I told you a million times do not exaggerate!
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put music they don’t like on
When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it`s easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.