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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
I`ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she`s a woodpecker.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
What I do when I black out is none of my business.
If you`re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.
Who cares, WTF, OMG, so inappropriate, HOLY HELL ! Good LORD, not another selfie...WHOA NELLIE, NO, NO, and HELL NO!!! Me before unfriending someone.
They say you need about 2000 calories a day. Ok, time to do math. 65 calories in one fluid ounce of Jack Daniel`s means i need 30 shots tonight.
why waste your brain cells to think of a comment when you can just like someone else`s?
When I die I want Charlie Sheen’s life to flash before my eyes.
You are not stupid, I just think you have bad luck when thinking.
I always find the "easy-open tab" right after I finally manage to tear the package open with my teeth.
When I see somebody get on one knee tying their shoe in public I get in front of them, happy cry, and say “Oh my GOD, I will, YES-YESS!”
If the Sahara Desert had a motto it would be "Long time, no sea."
Sometimes you just see a post and think, "Yup it`s your own fault."