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President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?
Tire rotation? Nice try, mechanic! I rotated my tires like a thousand times on the drive over here.
Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.
Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don`t even like.
He died doing what he loved: telling me I`m overreacting.
Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn`t even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Pretty soon you`ll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
Ever notice that the first 10 seconds of a medical drug commercial is spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest basically daring you to take it?
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.
I really don`t know what the big deal is about Black Friday. I black out every Friday....
If Iām ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.
You get wasted, swear to much, and your morals are questionable. You`re everything I`m looking for in a friend.
Is it just me, or would those movies had been far scarier if they were titled "Monday the 13th"
I`d say go to hell, but I don`t want to see you again.