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You know your ugly when the dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg
The human body is roughly 60% water. I`m not fat, I`m flooded.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
I don`t care about your choice in politics, religion, or taste in music... I judge you simply based on football team preference
All I`m saying is you don`t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
What does envelope 1 of 3 on my credit card bill mean?
What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep…. And Helium just brings it back to normal?
Trying to get in shape for all those people I`m not having sex with.
The awkward moment when you realise you’re wrong in an argument, but you keep arguing anyway.
If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.
Happy Birthday to all those ladies that their men forgot about because it falls on Super Bowl Sunday this year.
I Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing
I`m ABSOLUTELY positive I`d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.
If you want to go running with me, you`d better be prepared to walk a lot.