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I eat cake every day because I know somewhere out there, it`s someone`s birthday and I need to show respect.
I just scrolled so far back on Facebook`s Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace. :(
Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I`m like, "Nope. I`m good."
Some people have to learn lessons the hard way. Like with a bat. A bat is hard.
I received an email from a hacker that had accessed my bank account. It simply read, "LOL".
People with the loudest car audio systems usually have the worst taste in music.
If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.
It´s not that I hate you, it´s just.. well I´ll put it this way.. if you were on fire & I had water, I´d drink it.
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you`re going to jail.
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
love me or leave me,,HEY!!! where is everybody going?
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Friending someone on Facebook and complaining about what they post is like phoning someone to tell them you don’t want to talk to them.
This ad says: "3 out of 5 smokers die" Apparently the other 2 become immortal.