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I am not available because I am looking at porn that takes up the whole computer screen
She might be ugly now, but wait a few more drinks.
I said "Candyman" 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Give a fish something for once for f*cks sake
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
I`m a passionate supporter of things that don`t inconvenience me or require any type of action or physical effort.
Don`t you just a hate it when you stumble into bed drunk only to be nagged by someone screaming "Get out" or "You live next door!"
I can’t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
Being normal is boring.
Current relationship status: Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they don`t laugh either.
Peace on earth would be nice, but not gaining 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle.
"No, thanks. I`m a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
B!tch, please! You`re so fake, even barbie is jealous of you
Anyone who calls it a "day off with the kids"... Either has no kids or doesn`t know what "day off" means.