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India launched a rocket to Mars yesterday… That’s a heck of a place to put a call center.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speakerphone.
When you’re old, my kids will be in charge. I’m so, so sorry.
I`m glad I`m me, I don`t think anybody else could take it.
Sometimes I run toward people & expect them to know that I want them to do the Dirty Dancing lift but they never know and I slam into them.
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.
As funny as it might be, It`s never polite to yell "Tuba Lesson!" Before farting.
I should be asleep, but there are a lot of things I should be.
Is it yoga if you wear sweatpants all day and then hunch over the garbage can as you eat a burrito?
I need chapstick on my lips ... anyone want to share ?
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!
My own personal hell sounds great, actually