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My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn`t mean together.
Don’t tell me what to do unless you’re naked.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario
My coworker`s inspire me to drink on the job.
Who let the owls out?? Don`t sing the chorus you`ll make it worse.
Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn`t appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
Some people see a glass as half empty. Some see a glass as half full. Most need to get a life & do something besides stare at glasses.
I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.
Hope you don`t mind if I make transformer sound effects when we switch positions.
The longest five seconds in anyone’s life is waiting to press the “Skip Ad” button on YouTube.
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, "neighborhood watch" isn`t what I thought it was.
Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Just bought a car with the money from my swear jar.