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Stovetop Directions: 1.) Use microwave.
You know you`re up really late at night when you turn on ESPN and 2 white guys are boxing!
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
If every porkshop was perfect, we wouldn`t have hot dogs.
I eat tacos over a tortilla so that way when stuff falls out Boom another taco.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It`s like they don`t know I plan on cropping them out later.
I hate it when people hate me without even giving me a chance to give them a good reason to.
How long do I have to stand in front of the microwave for to become a member of X-Men?
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really fast
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
People who eat grapes are impatient alcoholics
It`s funny how many people I have in my phones contact list who all have the same name Do Not Answer.
My thoughts should be ashamed of themselves.
Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie is romantic but do it on a bus and the judge doesn`t agree.
“Have you tried just eating a ton of pizza?”- me as a therapist