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Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Has anyone EVER checked to see how the room or wall behind them looks before taking and posting 50 selfies?!
Bending over ... preparing to do my taxes.
Yesterday was international ninja day and I didn`t even know. Well played ninja day, well played.
McDonald`s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy.
Where is the "Made In China" labels made?
Exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors. - Jehovah`s Fitness.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!
Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I`m calling Santa!"
Who did you vote for?? Clinton ? Trump ? Vodka
You know what I just realized that in school they teach you not to do what you don`t want to do yet they still give us homework and we get in trouble because we didn`t want to do it ( confused )