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when my swear jar gets full I`m going to use the money to buy a f*cking puppy
If you`re a vegan an atheist and a liberal, how do you choose which way to annoy people at Thanksgiving first?
I always wonder if the people sitting near me at church every Sunday are unsettled by the fact that I take my communion like a shot of cheap vodka because I`m still in a party mode
Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?
Nothing shall separate me from the love of beer...
If your wife asks you if you know where the broom is, it`s not a good idea to ask her if she is going somewhere.
Of course I plan to seize the day ... Eventually.
Gotta thin the herd. – me eating animal crackers
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
Things could be worse ... sex could be fattening
You seem to be very educated on the things you make up.
"Nothing there? Better bark at it." - my dog
"We have HBO" - apparently still a bragging point in the motel industry.
My rabbit died yesterday… Now he’s just some bunny that I used to know…
I wouldn`t do much for a Klondike Bar; I would however get naked for beer.