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How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
I don`t have any "driving the speed limit" music.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don`t have great childing skills either.
I miss times when I was working at the zoo... my boss fired me just because I left the lion`s gate open.... I mean who would steal a lion
No, I would not like to join your exclusive membership rewards club. I’m buying a sandwich.
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
I just burned 1200 calories.I forgot the pizza in the oven.
Procrastinators Unite!! ... tomorrow.
I don`t need an excuse to drink, but thank you for giving me one.
Some moments you remember all your life. Reading this, unfortunately, is not one of those moments.
Tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.
If I was a Chinese millionaire I would change my name to Cha Ching.
The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. It`s about two women trying to kill each other over shoes.
Tried to donate blood today but they had too many questions about where I got it.
Years of education, solving tough problems, handling complex issues, yet we take a while standing before glass doors thinking whether to Push or Pull.