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Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
I`m getting a mistletoe tramp stamp.
I hate having to work for a living. But I hate starving even more.
I thought Row vs. Wade was Washington`s decision when he reached the Delaware.
I`m "oh my god, gag me with a spoon" years old.
One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. "You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic"
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
There`s no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.
FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.
CANT TOUCH THIS!! Na na na na.
I ordered a new GPS unit, but it got lost in the mail.
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
If it weren`t for marriage,,, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.