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Sometimes I order Domino`s but give them Pizza Hut`s address. And when they show up and start fighting, I just wait with my mouth open.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don`t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
I didn`t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”
I bet it’s pretty hard at a mime’s funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over.
Coffee, you`re on the bench ... Alcohol suit up!!
Just found out I`m pregnant. At least that`s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
Never squat with your spurs on
You the bomb" "No you the bomb" A compliment in America. An argument in the middle east
Like many people, I used to want to be famous, but after this year, I`m quite happy to be have been such a failure.
I used to be so broke when homeless people saw me coming by they would hide their change cups.
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...