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I`ve ended up encountering much less porridge than I had expected I would as a child.
That person who waits to the last minute to change lanes and expects you to make room. NOT ON MY WATCH!
I want someone to look at me the way I look at the waiter when he brings my meal.
If there`s one thing that I`ve learned it`s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
Remember when there was more important crap to do besides Facebook all day? Me neither.
Tis the season to throw your diet out the window.
Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.
I think "Don`t Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills....
75% of my day consists of looking at the clock and not believing it
You’re lucky that I’m so terrified of prison.
Don`t have sex man, it leads to kissing and pretty soon you will have to start talking to her..
You know one thing i really like about you is that you dont like anything about me.
So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses...