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To those that manufacture and market tight, thin yoga pants to fit college girls; I love you man.
Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”
Alcohol doesn´t solve any problems ... but then again, neither does milk.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but so was yesterday, and look how that turned out...
Did I ever tell you about my old girlfriend? The one with the "Lazy Eye"? I had to break up with her, she was seeing somebody on the side..........................
What if 11:11 actually works but there`s one person in this world that`s wishing for everyone`s wishes to not come true?
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
Sorry I said "at least it`s healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.
I just burned 1200 calories.I forgot the pizza in the oven.
u cant spell awesome without me
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.