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If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
PRINCIPAL: are you the new english teacher? TEACHER: yes i are.
If there`s one thing that I`ve learned it`s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
Sometimes I think if it weren`t for the gutter my mind would be homeless...
Don`t forget to get offended today by some retarded sh!t that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”
My life coach just benched me.
My phone dies faster than a black man in a horror film.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there`s an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH"..
And all this time I thought a chickpea was when women went to the bathroom in groups.
Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?
Recent survey asked people in the U.S if there are too many immigrants: 17% said yes, 83% said Lo siento, no hablan Inglés
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in court someday.