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The human body is roughly 60% water. I`m not fat, I`m flooded.
I`d rather run into the four horsemen of the apocalypse than a group of women out on a "girls` night."
You`d think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.
If I tell you I can`t text you because I`m driving it`s only because I`m also eating.
I tried yoga once, but we called it Twister
Iām offering a $1000 reward to anyone who brings me $1000 and a taco.
Helpful Tip: When your wife ask whats on TV, don`t say dust.
Like a stoned man once said, I can`t remember.
You seem like a sweat person. Mind if I lick you to find out?
When I`m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they`re safe
When you can no long help someone, I can - said the coroner.
I haven`t crunched all the numbers, but early calculations show that a large percentage of people don`t care what you think.
Boy: "Life`s a bitch, so is my Girlfriend." Girlfriend: "Life`s short, so is his d!ck.
Played hide and seek today. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off of the leash.
"you failed just as much as your dads condom."