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My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine.
I know you`re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
Spiderman`s Spidey sense is just really spot on anxiety.
I`m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it`s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I`m still better than you.
Obesity: When you buy a hula-hoop and it fits you.
The only time I`ve ever used sex to get what I want is when I want sex.
Not trying to be racist or ignorant but... seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.
I`m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
I`m so hungry I could eat without looking down at my phone.
You know you are in trouble when your mom screams your whole name.
I`d like to thank the bars for being there for me.
The best way to get over someone is probably with your car
Why is it called `after dark`, when it is really after light
Went to Walmart yesterday and bought me a new toilet brush, I think I am gonna go back to using paper, it is much more gentle on the netherlands........