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Besides creating dinosaurs are mosquitos good for anything?
When I was little we didn`t have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.
Instead of exes, they should be called whys.
Lightning bugs use their blinkers more than most drivers.
People assume when I yawn that I’ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
There`s a lot of perks being a single parent, for one no witnesses.
There are 2 kinds of people: 1) Happy morning people 2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is "BURN HIM, HE`S A WITCH"
Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges to keep the crazies from following you.
Facebook should just change it`s name to "People You May Want to Avoid."
I do my best proofreading after I hit send.
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.
I`m at my most cardio when I am moving the treadmill into storage
Note to self: the wife does not want an `exercise pole`.