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I’m eating for two – me and that skinny girl inside my body. She likes cake, too.
Married 24 years now. All I recall about my wedding day is something about death.
I`ve created a shoe made out of Legos, so when you step on Lego it doesn`t hurt. You just get taller.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back in my toy chest..
The funniest thing about this Facebook status is by the time you realize it doesn`t say anything important, it`s to late for you to stop reading it ... sucker
You know you`re fat when you run out of breath eating.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with "studies show," the internet will believe you.
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
I can`t tell if I actually have free time, or if I`m just forgetting everything...
Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."
Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
I think some people just log into Facebook just to send me game requests.
FYI: I`m never gonna tell the person I`m meeting up with that you said hi.