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You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
Not sure if this Adderall is working but I just made a pros and cons list about pros and cons lists.
Thinks that thinking about thoughts of thinking are too thinkable for thoughts to be thought about thinking, I think.
I still know what you did last summer........... cos you posted it on facebook!
Good thing all the `Five and Ten` stores closed... They were nickle and diming us to death.
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Some people are like rain clouds. Once they f*ck off, it`s a beautiful day.
iPhone 6: For people who don`t mind holding an iPad up to their ear.
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".
Retirement plans compared .. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycl
Love means never having to say you’re sorry until you`ve thought up a good excuse.
If Welch’s is 100% Grape Juice, then why the heck do you list 4 other ingredients?
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss