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Light travels faster than sound.. That is why some people appear bright until they speak.
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
Didn`t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Why does `beans` only mean secret when it`s "Don`t spill the beans?" Why can`t I say I have a dirty little beans to tell you?
God is creative... I mean look at me??
The woman that just drove past me was either doing a huge yawn or her brakes have failed....
Instead of cleaning the house I just watch an episode of Hoarders and I think WOW, my house really looks great.
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
He who laughs last didn´t get it.
If you are going to write in the dust on my car, please dont date it
Today is National animals day, please take a moment to remember your ex :p:p:p.
I think my other three stove burners are becoming jealous of front-right.
Efficiency: skip your morning, wake up in the afternoon.
I feel like I would enjoy getting out of bed more if I only had to do it like 3 times a week. This every day thing is overkill.
What was that idiot thinking when he invented white underwear?