Daily Silly Status

I don`t have the blood alcohol level to deal with you

All I see on Facebook is penis, orgasm, bang him, bang her, bullwhip, masturbate, porn, tits, and then I read everyone else`s posts..

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: pfft. I could think of like fifty reasons, I’m not falling for that.

If airports are so safe, why are the buildings called Terminal

My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.

If you want to get me to do something, bribery does work.

Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo? Who has hair on their shoulders? Who`s shampooing their shoulder hair? ... please come forward.

Have you ever said something and immediately thought “I didn’t know I knew that."

The key to a long relationship: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.

If you’re a millionaire and you don’t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool then you should just give me all of your money because you’re wasting it

I`m right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%?

I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.

I`ve never heard an alarm going off on a car worth stealing.

Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.

I`ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I`m actually talking to someone.