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A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?
I didn`t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I just caught my husband smiling in his sleep. He`s going to pay for that later.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speakerphone.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own jokes.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet. If you don`t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
The next time you feel you`re worthless.... just remember.... your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.
Ahh, Spring. When the days get longer and the dresses get shorter!!
I wish real life had as many ejection seats as cartoons.
My Wife asked, "Would you like a romantic interlude?" I said, "Does a bear crap in the woods?". Wish I`d just said `Yes`, she`s been on Google ever since.
Don`t worry about walking a mile in my shows. Try a day thinking in head.