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"Man, you know your bible verses forwards and backwards" - said no one ever
I`m going to hell in every religion!
Imagine, for a moment, what you could accomplish if you had the persistence and drive of the Adobe Acrobat Reader updater.
Every once in a while I check up on people I hate to make sure I still hate them… I do.
Please respect the revolving door speed that has already been established.
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
Before asking a hot chick out, I wish I could first talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
If you can`t celebrate Valentine`s Day with someone you love, forget about it at a bar that you like...
One day I`ll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
I`ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman. Woken up to a whole bunch of them though.
I think I may have just inadvertently accomplished something!!!
Office thermostats only have 2 settings: hell fire and hypothermia.
It`s hard to be a good person when kids fit so perfectly into trash cans.
Lightning is like God`s way of saying "Get out of that tree you pervert!"
Nobody talk to me until I`ve Instagrammed my coffee.