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If, in your relationship, you hear "You`re suffocating me", you`re probably not holding down the pillow hard enough.
It`s impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I`m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Dear Haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at me for...please be patient.
My wife gives me sound advice. 99% sound. 1% advice.
Thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried...
Some people say a true friend stabs you in the front. Iām gonna go ahead and say a true friend just puts the knife down.
"Teeter Totter" is the silliest name for toddler catapults.
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche.
A new study found that legalizing marijuana in Colorado has created more than 10,000 jobs...by keeping Taco Bell open 24 hours.
How can there be more horses asses than there are horses?
Just saw the first duckface of Spring.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don`t have Cancer! Me: So it`s working...