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Wine is just grapes for procrastinators.
You say stalker. I say unpaid private investigator.
I watched my first Porn the other day. I looked so much younger back then!
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I`ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I`ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920x1080 , this year it`s to be less of a nerd.
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
The wrong time to have a seizure is probably during a Harlem Shake Video.
I`m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out. We are going to watch tv.
Patience is what I have when there are too many witnesses.
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
I`m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn`t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Sometimes my life feels like a 40 year long episode of Punk`d...
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I`m heading north to start a new life.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?