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Aging is inevitable, Maturing is optional.
Tomorrow is International "Cook a Steak and Then Throw It to a Seagull" Day. Get involved. Don`t question it.
Got into a vicious battle with quite possibly the World`s Largest Spider. The outcome? Well, I`m updating my Facebook status this morning.... He isn`t.
I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Just remember, every day is a gift from God. Well except for Monday.. Satan slips that one in. He’s a sneaky bastard.
Chapstick is an entire industry based on you losing the product and buying more.
I bet strippers look forward to that feeling of getting home and wearing a bra after a long day at work.
I don`t take steroids because I never want to look like I`m capable of helping my friends move.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart
I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don`t like her new haircut.
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
I went to the store to buy some comdoms and the cashier asked me If I needed a bag ? "I replied No she`s not that ugly"
all joking aside, think how many babies might be created tonight on valentines day