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I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
Billy Ray Cyrus made a million dollars at a playgirl photo shoot. He just started taking his clothes off and they paid him to put them back on.
Just joined the support group Hokey Pokey Anonymous ... A place to turn yourself around. ;)
My kids are the reason I wake up every morning. Really freaking early. Every...Single...Morning...
I got in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich.
Ever notice that the first 10 seconds of a medical drug commercial is spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest basically daring you to take it?
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
Confession #156: I always prepare myself before stepping on the escalator
Looks don’t matter to me if you’re attractive.
"No! Don`t leave me! I need you! Nooooo!" I say as my laptop cords slowly slides off my bed onto the floor.
I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!
You can tell how old someone is by what part of the chex mix is their favorite.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book at Barnes and Noble and laid them end to end you get thrown out by security and banned from returning.
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.
Back in the day, Mom gave us two dinner choices. What she cooked or jack sh!t....