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When`s it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin` up and not gettin` arrested.
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek.
The only thing I understand about Algebra: I look at my X and I wonder Y
Law enforcement`s cracking down on texting while driving, but there`s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Sometimes my kid likes me, but I`m pretty sure it`s only because I`m his Oreo dealer.
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
I will be good today... I will be good today... I will be good today... Yeah.... I didn`t believe it either..
mom- "if you dont have anything nice to say, don`t say anything"
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she cuts your brake lines.
In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds ... How is that person still alive?
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos.
Black Friday at my house consist of pants 100% off
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.
I test drove a car last month. Apparently, you`re not supposed to keep the car for a month. At least that what this cop is telling me.